y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
