i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
