I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
