My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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