I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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