So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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