I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I enjoy the company of your penis
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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