like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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