Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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