I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
