She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
