My first STD was from a foam party
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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