i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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