I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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