Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We smell like vodka and hangover
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