I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
