she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
