Don't you send me to vm
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize