Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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