Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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