I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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