Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
