Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
