It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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