her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's blow job season.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize