She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
