Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
