he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
