I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
