I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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