Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
