update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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