I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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