all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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