I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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