the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize