i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
