Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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