I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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