Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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