He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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