If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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