After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
