You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
