Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
North Korea, Best Korea!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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