my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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