I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
