Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
