dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
