New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
