woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
