I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
