and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
