if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
She needs sedatives and a leash
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
