im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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