We won't sleep together?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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