that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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