i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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