Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
