i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
