I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
thus making me awesome and them whores
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
