my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
