i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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