You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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